stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray

This is a bit belated, but significant enough to share.

We had a Taize prayer service at L'Arche Harbor House the Thursday evening before Holy Week.  This was the second Taize service that I've experienced at L'Arche.  This time I managed to be roped into accompanying with the ensemble on the keyboard (my feeble piano skills such as they are these days).

The last song we sang was "Stay with me."  The words are:
Stay with me
Remain here with me
Watch and pray, watch and pray

These were Jesus' words (in the gospels of Matthew and Mark) to the disciples when he went to pray in Gethsemane before he was arrested and eventually crucified.  A very Lenten song.  He asks the disciples, especially a few of them, to stay up, to watch and pray.  The story is that they fall asleep multiple times, until finally he actually gets arrested.

As we had a time of silence to meditate at the end of the service, I found the words calling to me from L'Arche Harbor House.  "Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray.  Watch and pray."

A bit of recap of the past few months:  I spent a month at L'Arche Harbor House in Jacksonville, then a month away (at L'Arche Mobile, personal retreat in St. Augustine, and Nashville for United Methodist commissioning interviews), then came back for 2 1/2 more months in Jacksonville before moving in with our founding community at L'Arche Atlanta.

As I was settling into my new room in Greatfull House and getting ready to have my first "on" day - my first day to have core member "buddies" without shadowing another assistant - I found myself mourning the end of my phase of independence, of being ultimately only responsible for myself.

I felt whiny and selfish for not wanting to take on the responsibility I was due.  But as I continued to sit with these squirmy, resistant feelings, I realized that it was not just a resistance to responsibility.  Part of it was the stress of a new set of transitions happening again, all at once - a new room, new responsibilities, an assistant who I'd become friends with leaving the community upon my return (all of this planned, but still difficult), another assistant on vacation upon my return.  This all left me feeling a bit overwhelmed, yes.

To sum it up, the deeper reality was that I was simply weary of transition, of "not-yet-ness".  I realized I'd already been in "not yet" land for 3 1/2 months, and still had 2 1/2 more to go.  And those first 3 1/2 months were "on the go" months.  While staying "on the go" carries its own weariness, I had momentum propelling me forward from place to place.  I think I had expected this last 2 1/2 month stint to be the easiest, the smoothest - 1 place, 1 purpose.  However, the reality of it was more like violently hitting a wall than peacefully slowing down to a reasonable pace.  You mean I've been going-going in order to sit in one more "not yet" place for 2 1/2 more months?  Can I not just move to Atlanta now?  I want to dive in with what I've been preparing to dive into!

Once I identified and let myself feel the resentment, frustration, grief, the stifled and overwhelmed feelings, the weariness - I found myself more willing to respond to the invitation to wait, to be where I am, to receive this time as an even more formative gift than the last few, go-go months.

And then, as I heard the words of the Taize song, it occurred to me that I wasn't being invited to wait just for the sake of waiting (though this might be fruitful).  I was being called to be present to Jesus at L'Arche Harbor House.  Because Jesus is present here, he calls me to "stay...remain here...watch and pray."  

head and heart always reeling

just to get a few almost-thoughts down...

a few things that i'm wanting to explore and brainstorm more...

-what does/would a truly interfaith l'arche? or community? look like?
-what would l'arche on a farm look like?
-what does/might truly nonviolent/compassionate/open/honest/clear communication look like?
-what various impulses "against" life in l'arche might mean:  ...to live in intentional community without persons with disabilities, ...to live by oneself, ...to live on a farm, ...to start something new in order to have more control - over policies, over the kitchen, etc.
-what would a l'arche-camphill hybrid look like?

un-pc-ness

The other evening, we enjoyed dinner out on the back deck.  Kathy (a core member) suggested we eat out there because the weather was so nice.  (January in Florida, I tell you!)  

So, we're out eating our hot dogs and mac and cheese around the patio table, having nice dinner conversation.  Dino notices that Pam (both core members) seems to want another bite of mac and cheese.  Pam requires some assistance with eating - mainly putting food onto the fork, and she'll put the fork in her mouth.  Sometimes if she really likes something, she'll eat too fast, so often an assistant helping Pam will move the plate closer in on the table to help her keep a safer pace.

At this moment, Pam still had a full bite in her mouth, but Dino noticed that she was eye-ing her plate, wanting more mac and cheese.  Dino tends to forget / not use names for the people around him - he'll refer to folks as "man," "boy," "girl," "woman," "lady" - maybe with an extra descriptor.  And his way of speaking has been described as an "old grumpy man" by some of the assistants - says what he's thinking, in a direct, matter of fact sort of way, and in a voice that is just kind of humorous sometimes even if he's not in a grumpy mood.

If you can imagine such a voice in your head, it will make the story better.  If we chat some time, I'll try to do his voice for you.  So he says, "Give some macaroni and cheese...to the handicapped girl."  

We all just looked at each other and smothered our shocked laughter for about 5 minutes.  Then someone said, "Dino, she has a name. Who is that?"  He couldn't recall her name.  So we then went around the table to see if he could recall anyone else's names - the only one he got right was Ben - so 1 out of 9 or so.  I guess that's alright for 1 night.  (As follow-up, Dino was able to recall about 4 of 8 names recently.  Improvements, hooray!)

But oh dear, we all laughed so hard - so inappropriate, and so humorous.  Of course, the layers of it are also funny.  He really does have a hard time remembering names - so he uses whatever descriptor he marks people with in his head.  In this case, he had an out-of-date/un-PC descriptor in his head for Pam - so he used it out loud as well.  

Then it's also interesting that "handicapped" / "having a disability" for him in this case meant "being in a wheelchair".  Does he thinks of the other core members in the community as having "disabilities"?  Is a seizure disorder a disability?  Does a low IQ constitute a disability?  Is a lack of a sense of time a disability?  Is a lack of patience a disability?...   

And then there's a sweet element to the moment - he was trying to stick up for someone else - "hey, it looks like she wants some more mac and cheese - give her some more!"

grant me wisdom

During my break between employments, I decided to subscribe to "Richard's Daily Meditations" - from Richard Rohr and the Center for Action and Contemplation, www.cacradicalgrace.org.  

I've found them lovely thus far, and a recent one especially resonated with me, as I was a part of a small group gathering last week that encouraged us each to think about a single word that might be meaningful for us to focus and reflect on for the year.  I had chosen "presence," as I hope to be present to all of the new experiences and people coming my way this year.  

The meditation reads (bold added by me)...

“Wisdom is bright and does not grow dim . . . and is found by those who look for her.”

~ Wisdom 6:12-13

Wisdom is not the gathering of more facts and information, as if that would eventually coalesce into truth. Wisdom is precisely a different way of seeing and knowing the “ten thousand things” in a new way. I suggest that wisdom is precisely the freedom to be truly present to what is right in front of you. Presence is wisdom! People who are fully present know how to see fully, rightly, and truthfully.

Presence is the one thing necessary for wisdom, and in many ways, it is the hardest thing of all. Just try to keep 1) your heart space open, 2) your mind without division or resistance, and 3) your body not somewhere else—and all at the same time! Most religions just decided it was easier to believe doctrines and obey often-arbitrary laws than the truly converting work of being present. Those who can be present will know what they need to know, and in a wisdom way.

From The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See, pp. 59-60

Starter Prayer:
Grant me wisdom.

where and with who i'm sharing life

I figure it would be helpful to share a few details about where and with who I'm sharing life these days - set the characters and stage of my current stories.

L'Arche Harbor House has 5 houses - Greatfull House (with 6 core members), Nouwen House (5 core members), Peace House (4), Sunflower House (3), and Prayer (2) - plus live-in and live-out assistants each.

Core members are persons with intellectual disabilities who live in L'Arche communities.  Assistants are persons without intellectual disabilities who share life with core members and assist with daily life activities.  They can be live-in or live-out.  At Harbor House here in Jacksonville, most assistants are live-in, but there are also live-out assistants in most of the houses as well.

There are core members who are founding members of the community - so they have been here 26 years.  And some who have been here almost that long.  Some have been here a few years, or have just arrived within the past year.

There are assistants who have lived in L'Arche for many years, including many of those years here in Jacksonville.  Others spend a year or 2 - as an Americorps volunteer, or simply stay for a shorter term.  These are often young adults just out of college or thereabouts.  There is also usually at least 1 summer-long intern/assistant.

The community also relies heavily on various volunteers to help with daily life in the houses, administrative staff who help keep all of the organization's ducks in a row, and a board to help make decisions about long-term strategic plans and the like.

Currently, I am sharing life in Greatfull House, and sleeping in Nouwen House (until a room opens up in mid-March in Greatfull).  In Greatfull, the core members include 5 women and 1 man (maybe I'll hold off on names for now?).  Assistants are currently Ben, Sarah, Leah, JP, Mariusz, and Dina (live-out House Coordinator).

Greatfull is the largest house in the community and sits at the front of the property.  Because of its position on the street, it's the house that folks unfamiliar with the community will usually come to first looking for someone or something.  Because it has the largest common space, it is considered the "house of hospitality," and is where various meetings like weekly Assistant Formation occur.

For these first few weeks, I'm mainly observing routines and developing relationships with core members and assistants.  This has been a joy thus far - it's nice to have the freedom to take it all in and just "be" with people, and not be thrown into a sea of responsibility where one must immediately sink or swim.

It is also a challenge - there is a lot of information and nuances of story, relationship, and structures to take in.  It's also a challenge to not have the "control" and comfort that comes with responsibility.  I'm not really cooking, cleaning, or shopping for the house, and don't even live full-time in any one place really.  So while I've been invited to make myself at home, reach for anything in the fridge or cabinets, supplies in closets, etc. - I still don't really know what's in the house, where it would be located, what's really up for grabs, what someone would get upset about if I moved, etc.

But these are lessons in holding onto material things and situations with loose hands, in going with the flow, and in letting those lessons feed into true presence with who and what is in front of us.

My head and heart have truly been spinning the past couple weeks! with vocational reflections, things that will be important to keep in mind and structures to put in place as we start a new community...as well as lots of little stories to tell - funny things, sweet moments, etc.  So many really good hugs, thumbs up, smiles, hand-holding, words of welcome and glad greetings upon each new encounter.

While I'm at it, I would ask for any prayers, good thoughts and energy for good health to be sent our way at Harbor House - especially Greatfull House.  Some kind of stomach virus has been making its way through the community, and especially our house.  I already had my bout of stomach bug in early December in Nashville, so I hope not to get it again.  It's hit 3 core members and 3 assistants in our house alone - plus another assistant who has a head cold.  It's always tough to see folks you care about feeling crummy, and we keep hoping that it won't continue to spread - but there's not much stopping a bug like this.  But anyway - prayers for health, strength, patience, and good rest are appreciated.

presence and bewilderment

I've been in Jacksonville with L'Arche Harbor House a little over a week now, and I still haven't posted (in this reflection/discernment blog that I haven't really told people about).  It's been part busy-ness, part my methodical and distracted nature that makes me first wonder how I should re-name this forum for reflection, every time I open my computer - instead of actually saying something of substance.

So, since I've decided on a name, maybe I should start there:  why "Presence and Bewilderment"?

Presence:  I recently attended a small group gathering here in Jax (I'm going to use this abbreviation, whether or not it's cool or kosher), where they had each chosen a word they might focus on for the year.  I chose the word "presence," because this new year has already been full - and will continue to be full to the brim - with new experiences and people.  And I hope to be as present as possible to whatever and whoever is in front of me, as I walk through this year which promises to be full of adventure.

Which brings me to Bewilderment:  I have used the phrase "bewildered by the everyday" in describing myself - or it's perhaps something I strive toward.  I enjoy being surprised by people and situations.  And I find that when I'm truly present to what's around me, I'm more open to being impacted, bewildered, enchanted by the people and things around me.  Every day becomes an adventure.  And everyday tasks like washing the dishes, sitting with another person, sitting in traffic (God help me) become contemplative, if allowed to be so. 

So - as I approach the new experiences that await me, I hope to practice being present to and bewildered by them.

what i'm doing

I'm hoping to use this blog as a forum for some personal reflection on my current and fastly approaching experiences, as well as some personal and communal discernment and dreaming about what life with persons with intellectual disabilities in Nashville could look like. 

So, I figured it would be helpful if I explain where I am currently in all of this.  Maybe some of you will already have read something like this in an email I send to the many folks I have found to be interested in my vision, but I imagine it will be good to have it here as well.

Current state of affairs:  I am jobless and homeless - joyfully and a little scarily so. 

I think I have a post from my personal blog which I'll post here explaining how the heck the notion to "start something like a L'Arche community in Nashville" took hold of me.  But suffice it to say, the idea grabbed hold of me my last year of Divinity school at Vanderbilt, and it wouldn't let go.  Initially (in September 2009), I was so convicted that the need was so great and urgent, that I was certain we needed to have everything in place by my graduation date in May 2010.  I still feel convinced of the hugeness and urgency of the need, and even more convinced of the moral, spiritual and financial support for a community here in Nashville.

However, I soon realized that:
a) completing my coursework and internship were going to require their usual "more hours than are in a day" for the remainder of the school year, leaving me enough hours only for exploration of this new idea, not concrete formation of a new not-for-profit. 
and b) it takes a long time to do something like start a faith-based residential community for persons with and without intellectual disabilities.

So, the journey from Sept. 2009 to December 2011 has looked like:
-completing my M.Div. program
-talking with lots and lots of folks who have some degree of interest and desire for a community such as what I have envisioned, including some folks from L'Arche USA, and even visiting some potential properties
-working as a Live-in Companion with 2 men with intellectual disabilities (Dean and Ronez) through a primarily state-funded, secular, not-for-profit agency in Nashville, called Progress, Inc.

In the course of my year and a half as a Companion, I experienced many trials and joys, as I transitioned out of living in community, took on primary responsibility for the day-to-day activities and welfare of 2 adults with intellectual disabilities, and sought to understand and converse with administrators of a secular not-for-profit that has spent 40 years maneuvering the state bureaucracy regarding persons with intellectual/developmental disabilities and developing a bureaucracy of its own. 

Suffice it to say, my learning curves were probably the largest and most practically oriented as I'd ever experienced.  And while these learnings were all (the good, the bad, and the ugly) of utmost value, they all made me yearn for L'Arche more deeply.  When I began, I wasn't sure how long I'd stay - maybe a couple-few years?  I quickly discerned that was absolutely not an option.  I need community, some shared faith practices, communal decision-making, shared language about who we are and why we conduct ourselves in certain ways. 

And my wandering path soon led me and my guys to a contra dance with Friends of L'Arche Atlanta.  That weekend led to an invitation and many conversations about the possibility of me joining them as a founding assistant when they would be ready to move into their house.  After a bit of discernment, I said YES!...I think that would be a good idea...and if I say yes, does that mean that you say yes?

They said, everyone's enthusiastic and thinks it would be a good idea.  But we need to make sure this is really a communal decision and that we do all the proper formal things along the way.  So we've kept stepping forward - tentatively, but with progressive certainty. 

I finally felt certain enough that I put in my notice of resignation at Progress, began the transition process with them and the guys, and moved out.  Beginning Dec. 1, I became homeless and jobless in foul swoop. 

I'm not going to lie - I freaked out a little bit a few days beforehand - what? share my things again? fit all my belongings into my car? leave the guys in someone else's hands? go without a paycheck and good insurance for awhile? hand off my plants? hand off my food processor?

But I gathered my composure, and with the help of many friends who offered good homes to many of my things, words of support, encouragement and affirmation, quality time, and places to stay in my interims (between moving out and going home for the holidays, and wrapping things up in Nashville before moving to Florida), and with assurance of a peaceful transition between me and the guys' new Companion - I got through it!

And now...I'm home in Texas, relaxed and cozy for awhile.  Then I will be back in Nashville for a week to finish goodbyes and some remaining errands.  Then I will drive to Jacksonville, FL.  So yeah - Jacksonville is not Atlanta.  Confused?  Well, the thing is - L'Arche Atlanta's move-in date is June/July 2012, and I needed to go home for Christmas (it's important.  I didn't get to do this last year - my job doesn't offer enough time off for such things.) - so I needed to quit my job before Christmas.  And - we thought it would be a good idea for me to be "trained" / "share life" / "observe" awhile in an established L'Arche community awhile before I arrive in Atlanta.

So...I will live and work in Jacksonville, FL at L'Arche Harbor House for January-May 2012. 

And then will join L'Arche Atlanta in Decatur, GA in June 2012. 

Other cool things in the works over the coming months:
-1 week of retreat/vacation in February
-2 weeks of training with L'Arche Mobile in Alabama
-1 week of commissioning interviews and receiving results in Beersheba Springs and Nashville, TN - with the Tennessee Conference Board of Ordained Ministry of the United Methodist Church
-L'Arche International Gathering in Atlanta in June!
-Hopeful UM commissioning ceremony during Annual Conference in June!