So, I haven't posted since I was in Jacksonville. My last post was in my moment of digging in for what felt like "the long haul" of 1-2 more months there in Jacksonville. I was ready to get on to the "real" next step - why must I sit here and deal with daily life some place else, when I'm really just preparing for life in the next place? As the words "stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray" soaked into me, I realized that, ah, yes - this was the whole point of being called to L'Arche - to be present with people, to watch and pray.
And of course, even as I felt the angst of having to "sit still" for a couple of months - they turned out to not be so still. I went away for a week of Exploratory Retreat, I preached at Community Night (on dirt!), I accompanied Ann at the Harbor House Community Retreat, I helped with the hiring and admission process for L'Arche Atlanta, I went on vacation with Greatfull House to Atlanta, I started taking RSVPs for a small piece of the very big L'Arche International General Assembly, I made plans for my trip to Nashville to get commissioned as a United Methodist Deacon and chat with folks in Nashville about my L'Arche experience thus far.
Um, what happened to "stay with me, remain here with me"? Well, I feel like I did live into that call - I found peace in that phrase to sustain me in my remaining time in Jacksonville. And even in the midst of those Harbor House and non-Harbor House activities in my last month or 2, I think I was able to remain fairly "present" to those around me. My time there was immensely formational. I love the core members and the assistants there. I've since been in touch with folks, and gotten to see a few who've come up to Atlanta for the International Assembly and other trips. I will love L'Arche Harbor House forever, it will hold a very fond place in my heart.
And now, I've been in Atlanta for 5 months. It feels like it's been a very long time, but sounds like so few months. A lot has happened - namely, we've started a L'Arche community. I'll leave it at that for now, but I'm hoping this post will re-hook me into somewhat regular posting. Now - onto a daily check-in with Tim, some communication and documentation work, and then on to picking up core members in the afternoon.
Peace upon peace upon peace.
Jessica
November 15, 2012
April 24, 2012
stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray
This is a bit belated, but significant enough to share.
We had a Taize prayer service at L'Arche Harbor House the Thursday evening before Holy Week. This was the second Taize service that I've experienced at L'Arche. This time I managed to be roped into accompanying with the ensemble on the keyboard (my feeble piano skills such as they are these days).
The last song we sang was "Stay with me." The words are:
Stay with me
Remain here with me
Watch and pray, watch and pray
These were Jesus' words (in the gospels of Matthew and Mark) to the disciples when he went to pray in Gethsemane before he was arrested and eventually crucified. A very Lenten song. He asks the disciples, especially a few of them, to stay up, to watch and pray. The story is that they fall asleep multiple times, until finally he actually gets arrested.
As we had a time of silence to meditate at the end of the service, I found the words calling to me from L'Arche Harbor House. "Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray. Watch and pray."
A bit of recap of the past few months: I spent a month at L'Arche Harbor House in Jacksonville, then a month away (at L'Arche Mobile, personal retreat in St. Augustine, and Nashville for United Methodist commissioning interviews), then came back for 2 1/2 more months in Jacksonville before moving in with our founding community at L'Arche Atlanta.
As I was settling into my new room in Greatfull House and getting ready to have my first "on" day - my first day to have core member "buddies" without shadowing another assistant - I found myself mourning the end of my phase of independence, of being ultimately only responsible for myself.
I felt whiny and selfish for not wanting to take on the responsibility I was due. But as I continued to sit with these squirmy, resistant feelings, I realized that it was not just a resistance to responsibility. Part of it was the stress of a new set of transitions happening again, all at once - a new room, new responsibilities, an assistant who I'd become friends with leaving the community upon my return (all of this planned, but still difficult), another assistant on vacation upon my return. This all left me feeling a bit overwhelmed, yes.
To sum it up, the deeper reality was that I was simply weary of transition, of "not-yet-ness". I realized I'd already been in "not yet" land for 3 1/2 months, and still had 2 1/2 more to go. And those first 3 1/2 months were "on the go" months. While staying "on the go" carries its own weariness, I had momentum propelling me forward from place to place. I think I had expected this last 2 1/2 month stint to be the easiest, the smoothest - 1 place, 1 purpose. However, the reality of it was more like violently hitting a wall than peacefully slowing down to a reasonable pace. You mean I've been going-going in order to sit in one more "not yet" place for 2 1/2 more months? Can I not just move to Atlanta now? I want to dive in with what I've been preparing to dive into!
Once I identified and let myself feel the resentment, frustration, grief, the stifled and overwhelmed feelings, the weariness - I found myself more willing to respond to the invitation to wait, to be where I am, to receive this time as an even more formative gift than the last few, go-go months.
And then, as I heard the words of the Taize song, it occurred to me that I wasn't being invited to wait just for the sake of waiting (though this might be fruitful). I was being called to be present to Jesus at L'Arche Harbor House. Because Jesus is present here, he calls me to "stay...remain here...watch and pray."
We had a Taize prayer service at L'Arche Harbor House the Thursday evening before Holy Week. This was the second Taize service that I've experienced at L'Arche. This time I managed to be roped into accompanying with the ensemble on the keyboard (my feeble piano skills such as they are these days).
The last song we sang was "Stay with me." The words are:
Stay with me
Remain here with me
Watch and pray, watch and pray
These were Jesus' words (in the gospels of Matthew and Mark) to the disciples when he went to pray in Gethsemane before he was arrested and eventually crucified. A very Lenten song. He asks the disciples, especially a few of them, to stay up, to watch and pray. The story is that they fall asleep multiple times, until finally he actually gets arrested.
As we had a time of silence to meditate at the end of the service, I found the words calling to me from L'Arche Harbor House. "Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray. Watch and pray."
A bit of recap of the past few months: I spent a month at L'Arche Harbor House in Jacksonville, then a month away (at L'Arche Mobile, personal retreat in St. Augustine, and Nashville for United Methodist commissioning interviews), then came back for 2 1/2 more months in Jacksonville before moving in with our founding community at L'Arche Atlanta.
As I was settling into my new room in Greatfull House and getting ready to have my first "on" day - my first day to have core member "buddies" without shadowing another assistant - I found myself mourning the end of my phase of independence, of being ultimately only responsible for myself.
I felt whiny and selfish for not wanting to take on the responsibility I was due. But as I continued to sit with these squirmy, resistant feelings, I realized that it was not just a resistance to responsibility. Part of it was the stress of a new set of transitions happening again, all at once - a new room, new responsibilities, an assistant who I'd become friends with leaving the community upon my return (all of this planned, but still difficult), another assistant on vacation upon my return. This all left me feeling a bit overwhelmed, yes.
To sum it up, the deeper reality was that I was simply weary of transition, of "not-yet-ness". I realized I'd already been in "not yet" land for 3 1/2 months, and still had 2 1/2 more to go. And those first 3 1/2 months were "on the go" months. While staying "on the go" carries its own weariness, I had momentum propelling me forward from place to place. I think I had expected this last 2 1/2 month stint to be the easiest, the smoothest - 1 place, 1 purpose. However, the reality of it was more like violently hitting a wall than peacefully slowing down to a reasonable pace. You mean I've been going-going in order to sit in one more "not yet" place for 2 1/2 more months? Can I not just move to Atlanta now? I want to dive in with what I've been preparing to dive into!
Once I identified and let myself feel the resentment, frustration, grief, the stifled and overwhelmed feelings, the weariness - I found myself more willing to respond to the invitation to wait, to be where I am, to receive this time as an even more formative gift than the last few, go-go months.
And then, as I heard the words of the Taize song, it occurred to me that I wasn't being invited to wait just for the sake of waiting (though this might be fruitful). I was being called to be present to Jesus at L'Arche Harbor House. Because Jesus is present here, he calls me to "stay...remain here...watch and pray."
January 31, 2012
head and heart always reeling
just to get a few almost-thoughts down...
a few things that i'm wanting to explore and brainstorm more...
-what does/would a truly interfaith l'arche? or community? look like?
-what would l'arche on a farm look like?
-what does/might truly nonviolent/compassionate/open/honest/clear communication look like?
-what various impulses "against" life in l'arche might mean: ...to live in intentional community without persons with disabilities, ...to live by oneself, ...to live on a farm, ...to start something new in order to have more control - over policies, over the kitchen, etc.
-what would a l'arche-camphill hybrid look like?
a few things that i'm wanting to explore and brainstorm more...
-what does/would a truly interfaith l'arche? or community? look like?
-what would l'arche on a farm look like?
-what does/might truly nonviolent/compassionate/open/honest/clear communication look like?
-what various impulses "against" life in l'arche might mean: ...to live in intentional community without persons with disabilities, ...to live by oneself, ...to live on a farm, ...to start something new in order to have more control - over policies, over the kitchen, etc.
-what would a l'arche-camphill hybrid look like?
un-pc-ness
The other
evening, we enjoyed dinner out on the back deck. Kathy (a core member)
suggested we eat out there because the weather was so nice. (January in Florida
So, we're out
eating our hot dogs and mac and cheese around the patio table, having nice dinner conversation. Dino notices that Pam (both core members) seems
to want another bite of mac and cheese. Pam requires some assistance with
eating - mainly putting food onto the fork, and she'll put the fork in her
mouth. Sometimes if she really likes something, she'll eat too fast, so
often an assistant helping Pam will move the plate closer in on
the table to help her keep a safer pace.
At this moment,
Pam still had a full bite in her mouth, but Dino noticed that she was eye-ing
her plate, wanting more mac and cheese. Dino
tends to forget / not use names for the people around him - he'll refer to folks as "man," "boy," "girl,"
"woman," "lady" - maybe with an extra descriptor.
And his way of speaking has been described as an "old grumpy
man" by some of the assistants - says what he's thinking, in a direct,
matter of fact sort of way, and in a voice that is just kind of humorous
sometimes even if he's not in a grumpy mood.
If you can
imagine such a voice in your head, it will make the story better. If we chat
some time, I'll try to do his voice for you. So he says, "Give
some macaroni and cheese...to the handicapped girl."
We all just
looked at each other and smothered our shocked laughter for about 5 minutes.
Then someone said, "Dino, she has a name. Who is that?"
He couldn't recall her name. So we then went around the table to
see if he could recall anyone else's names - the only one he got right was Ben
- so 1 out of 9 or so. I guess that's alright for 1 night. (As follow-up, Dino was able to recall about 4 of 8 names recently. Improvements, hooray!)
But oh dear, we
all laughed so hard - so inappropriate, and so humorous. Of course, the
layers of it are also funny. He really does have a hard time remembering
names - so he uses whatever descriptor he
marks people with in his head. In this case, he had an out-of-date/un-PC
descriptor in his head for Pam - so he used it out loud as well.
Then
it's also interesting that "handicapped" / "having a
disability" for him in this case meant "being in a wheelchair". Does he thinks of the other core
members in the community as having "disabilities"? Is a seizure
disorder a disability? Does a low IQ constitute a disability? Is a
lack of a sense of time a disability? Is a lack of patience a
disability?...
And then there's a sweet element to the moment - he
was trying to stick up for someone else - "hey, it looks like she wants
some more mac and cheese - give her some more!"
January 27, 2012
grant me wisdom
During my break between employments, I decided to subscribe to "Richard's Daily Meditations" - from Richard Rohr and the Center for Action and Contemplation, www.cacradicalgrace.org.
I've found them lovely thus far, and a recent one especially resonated with me, as I was a part of a small group gathering last week that encouraged us each to think about a single word that might be meaningful for us to focus and reflect on for the year. I had chosen "presence," as I hope to be present to all of the new experiences and people coming my way this year.
The meditation reads (bold added by me)...
“Wisdom is bright and does not grow dim . . . and is found by those who look for her.”
Wisdom is not the gathering of more facts and information, as if that would eventually coalesce into truth. Wisdom is precisely a different way of seeing and knowing the “ten thousand things” in a new way. I suggest that wisdom is precisely the freedom to be truly present to what is right in front of you. Presence is wisdom! People who are fully present know how to see fully, rightly, and truthfully.
Presence is the one thing necessary for wisdom, and in many ways, it is the hardest thing of all. Just try to keep 1) your heart space open, 2) your mind without division or resistance, and 3) your body not somewhere else—and all at the same time! Most religions just decided it was easier to believe doctrines and obey often-arbitrary laws than the truly converting work of being present. Those who can be present will know what they need to know, and in a wisdom way.
From The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See, pp. 59-60
Starter Prayer:
Grant me wisdom.
Grant me wisdom.
where and with who i'm sharing life
I figure it would be helpful to share a few details about where and with who I'm sharing life these days - set the characters and stage of my current stories.
L'Arche Harbor House has 5 houses - Greatfull House (with 6 core members), Nouwen House (5 core members), Peace House (4), Sunflower House (3), and Prayer (2) - plus live-in and live-out assistants each.
Core members are persons with intellectual disabilities who live in L'Arche communities. Assistants are persons without intellectual disabilities who share life with core members and assist with daily life activities. They can be live-in or live-out. At Harbor House here in Jacksonville, most assistants are live-in, but there are also live-out assistants in most of the houses as well.
There are core members who are founding members of the community - so they have been here 26 years. And some who have been here almost that long. Some have been here a few years, or have just arrived within the past year.
There are assistants who have lived in L'Arche for many years, including many of those years here in Jacksonville. Others spend a year or 2 - as an Americorps volunteer, or simply stay for a shorter term. These are often young adults just out of college or thereabouts. There is also usually at least 1 summer-long intern/assistant.
The community also relies heavily on various volunteers to help with daily life in the houses, administrative staff who help keep all of the organization's ducks in a row, and a board to help make decisions about long-term strategic plans and the like.
Currently, I am sharing life in Greatfull House, and sleeping in Nouwen House (until a room opens up in mid-March in Greatfull). In Greatfull, the core members include 5 women and 1 man (maybe I'll hold off on names for now?). Assistants are currently Ben, Sarah, Leah, JP, Mariusz, and Dina (live-out House Coordinator).
Greatfull is the largest house in the community and sits at the front of the property. Because of its position on the street, it's the house that folks unfamiliar with the community will usually come to first looking for someone or something. Because it has the largest common space, it is considered the "house of hospitality," and is where various meetings like weekly Assistant Formation occur.
For these first few weeks, I'm mainly observing routines and developing relationships with core members and assistants. This has been a joy thus far - it's nice to have the freedom to take it all in and just "be" with people, and not be thrown into a sea of responsibility where one must immediately sink or swim.
It is also a challenge - there is a lot of information and nuances of story, relationship, and structures to take in. It's also a challenge to not have the "control" and comfort that comes with responsibility. I'm not really cooking, cleaning, or shopping for the house, and don't even live full-time in any one place really. So while I've been invited to make myself at home, reach for anything in the fridge or cabinets, supplies in closets, etc. - I still don't really know what's in the house, where it would be located, what's really up for grabs, what someone would get upset about if I moved, etc.
But these are lessons in holding onto material things and situations with loose hands, in going with the flow, and in letting those lessons feed into true presence with who and what is in front of us.
My head and heart have truly been spinning the past couple weeks! with vocational reflections, things that will be important to keep in mind and structures to put in place as we start a new community...as well as lots of little stories to tell - funny things, sweet moments, etc. So many really good hugs, thumbs up, smiles, hand-holding, words of welcome and glad greetings upon each new encounter.
While I'm at it, I would ask for any prayers, good thoughts and energy for good health to be sent our way at Harbor House - especially Greatfull House. Some kind of stomach virus has been making its way through the community, and especially our house. I already had my bout of stomach bug in early December in Nashville, so I hope not to get it again. It's hit 3 core members and 3 assistants in our house alone - plus another assistant who has a head cold. It's always tough to see folks you care about feeling crummy, and we keep hoping that it won't continue to spread - but there's not much stopping a bug like this. But anyway - prayers for health, strength, patience, and good rest are appreciated.
L'Arche Harbor House has 5 houses - Greatfull House (with 6 core members), Nouwen House (5 core members), Peace House (4), Sunflower House (3), and Prayer (2) - plus live-in and live-out assistants each.
Core members are persons with intellectual disabilities who live in L'Arche communities. Assistants are persons without intellectual disabilities who share life with core members and assist with daily life activities. They can be live-in or live-out. At Harbor House here in Jacksonville, most assistants are live-in, but there are also live-out assistants in most of the houses as well.
There are core members who are founding members of the community - so they have been here 26 years. And some who have been here almost that long. Some have been here a few years, or have just arrived within the past year.
There are assistants who have lived in L'Arche for many years, including many of those years here in Jacksonville. Others spend a year or 2 - as an Americorps volunteer, or simply stay for a shorter term. These are often young adults just out of college or thereabouts. There is also usually at least 1 summer-long intern/assistant.
The community also relies heavily on various volunteers to help with daily life in the houses, administrative staff who help keep all of the organization's ducks in a row, and a board to help make decisions about long-term strategic plans and the like.
Currently, I am sharing life in Greatfull House, and sleeping in Nouwen House (until a room opens up in mid-March in Greatfull). In Greatfull, the core members include 5 women and 1 man (maybe I'll hold off on names for now?). Assistants are currently Ben, Sarah, Leah, JP, Mariusz, and Dina (live-out House Coordinator).
Greatfull is the largest house in the community and sits at the front of the property. Because of its position on the street, it's the house that folks unfamiliar with the community will usually come to first looking for someone or something. Because it has the largest common space, it is considered the "house of hospitality," and is where various meetings like weekly Assistant Formation occur.
For these first few weeks, I'm mainly observing routines and developing relationships with core members and assistants. This has been a joy thus far - it's nice to have the freedom to take it all in and just "be" with people, and not be thrown into a sea of responsibility where one must immediately sink or swim.
It is also a challenge - there is a lot of information and nuances of story, relationship, and structures to take in. It's also a challenge to not have the "control" and comfort that comes with responsibility. I'm not really cooking, cleaning, or shopping for the house, and don't even live full-time in any one place really. So while I've been invited to make myself at home, reach for anything in the fridge or cabinets, supplies in closets, etc. - I still don't really know what's in the house, where it would be located, what's really up for grabs, what someone would get upset about if I moved, etc.
But these are lessons in holding onto material things and situations with loose hands, in going with the flow, and in letting those lessons feed into true presence with who and what is in front of us.
My head and heart have truly been spinning the past couple weeks! with vocational reflections, things that will be important to keep in mind and structures to put in place as we start a new community...as well as lots of little stories to tell - funny things, sweet moments, etc. So many really good hugs, thumbs up, smiles, hand-holding, words of welcome and glad greetings upon each new encounter.
While I'm at it, I would ask for any prayers, good thoughts and energy for good health to be sent our way at Harbor House - especially Greatfull House. Some kind of stomach virus has been making its way through the community, and especially our house. I already had my bout of stomach bug in early December in Nashville, so I hope not to get it again. It's hit 3 core members and 3 assistants in our house alone - plus another assistant who has a head cold. It's always tough to see folks you care about feeling crummy, and we keep hoping that it won't continue to spread - but there's not much stopping a bug like this. But anyway - prayers for health, strength, patience, and good rest are appreciated.
January 24, 2012
presence and bewilderment
I've been in Jacksonville with L'Arche Harbor House a little over a week now, and I still haven't posted (in this reflection/discernment blog that I haven't really told people about). It's been part busy-ness, part my methodical and distracted nature that makes me first wonder how I should re-name this forum for reflection, every time I open my computer - instead of actually saying something of substance.
So, since I've decided on a name, maybe I should start there: why "Presence and Bewilderment"?
Presence: I recently attended a small group gathering here in Jax (I'm going to use this abbreviation, whether or not it's cool or kosher), where they had each chosen a word they might focus on for the year. I chose the word "presence," because this new year has already been full - and will continue to be full to the brim - with new experiences and people. And I hope to be as present as possible to whatever and whoever is in front of me, as I walk through this year which promises to be full of adventure.
Which brings me to Bewilderment: I have used the phrase "bewildered by the everyday" in describing myself - or it's perhaps something I strive toward. I enjoy being surprised by people and situations. And I find that when I'm truly present to what's around me, I'm more open to being impacted, bewildered, enchanted by the people and things around me. Every day becomes an adventure. And everyday tasks like washing the dishes, sitting with another person, sitting in traffic (God help me) become contemplative, if allowed to be so.
So - as I approach the new experiences that await me, I hope to practice being present to and bewildered by them.
So, since I've decided on a name, maybe I should start there: why "Presence and Bewilderment"?
Presence: I recently attended a small group gathering here in Jax (I'm going to use this abbreviation, whether or not it's cool or kosher), where they had each chosen a word they might focus on for the year. I chose the word "presence," because this new year has already been full - and will continue to be full to the brim - with new experiences and people. And I hope to be as present as possible to whatever and whoever is in front of me, as I walk through this year which promises to be full of adventure.
Which brings me to Bewilderment: I have used the phrase "bewildered by the everyday" in describing myself - or it's perhaps something I strive toward. I enjoy being surprised by people and situations. And I find that when I'm truly present to what's around me, I'm more open to being impacted, bewildered, enchanted by the people and things around me. Every day becomes an adventure. And everyday tasks like washing the dishes, sitting with another person, sitting in traffic (God help me) become contemplative, if allowed to be so.
So - as I approach the new experiences that await me, I hope to practice being present to and bewildered by them.
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